Are You Trying To Get Other’s To Do Things Your Way?

Have you ever tried to get your pet to sit at the dinner table and eat with a knife and fork and drink out of a glass? Chances are you haven’t. So why do we get so upset when other people won’t play by our rules?

Have you ever said something like this, or heard it said by others?  ”I arranged for us to meet at 1:30 and she didn’t show up until 1:40. I was so angry”, or “he is always so messy. I wish he’d tidy up after himself.” With pets it’s relatively easy to determine what we can and can’t expect, but with people the boundaries are not so black and white. If we aren’t clear about the limitations of what we can and can’t influence with other’s then we risk expecting the impossible from ourselves. This can lead to frustration, upset, resentment and anger.

What are our choices in these situations? The first is not to interact with that person again. The second choice is to calmly and clearly express our upset and ask the other person to change their behaviour. The third is to change our own expectations. But expecting other’s to be fair, tell the truth and turn up on time this isn’t too much to ask is it? No it’s not, but unfortunately these rules aren’t enforceable.

So how do we revise our expectations? First of all acknowledge that you are frustrated and disappointed by the other person’s behaviour, identify the rule they are breaking and then tell yourself that you are trying to enforce a rule that isn’t enforceable. Secondly try to look at the positive aspect of what you are trying to achieve. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You are trying to honour a principle or value that you hold dear – you are trying to stick to your own rules. Ask yourself how your life would be better if your rule had been followed? What are your reasons for believing in this rule? What is your goal expressed in positive terms? For example if your boss is the source of the rule breaking and frustration is it time to tell him or her about your frustration, and the reasons you believe in the rule they have broken? If they don’t take you seriously is your goal to think about moving on?