Can Love Live Up To The Fairytales Of Childhood?

“When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put such childish things behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11). Do we really put childhood thoughts and feelings behind us? Or do they still impact on our adult lives?

In early childhood we are often pleased with the most insignificant things. We vacantly pursue little pleasures and are blessed with ignorance. We don’t understand why we can’t have things, or why we can’t do what we want when we want. Little do we understand the potential frustrations, difficulties and disappointments of adult life. Sometimes as adults we will reminisce about the fairytale scenes of happiness from childhood. The recollection of childish stories and memories is often cherished in future years, but it can also leave us wondering why adult life doesn’t live up to the childish dreams we once believed to be true. This can be particularly evident in matters of the heart.

In fairy tales true love always conquers all. Man meets woman, woman meets man, they fall in love, overcome adversity and live happily ever after. As children we are given a staple diet of this kind of reading material and quite often we accept it as the truth, not only because it has been passed to us by adults but also because it fires our imaginations and satisfies our insatiable curiosities, as well as giving us a warm and safe expectation of what love and relationships will be like for us as grown ups. As children we can experience diversity that is far removed from the perfect endings we read about in fairy tales. In spite of this do we still have an intrinsic, and perhaps unconscious, faith in these childish fantasies.

Childish fantasies can be entertaining, frightening and exciting, but they also allow for creativity and help us plan for the future. Provided we don’t mistake fantasies for reality, (as in some delusional disorders) or allow them to become too inflexible they can provide a necessary escape from modern life. But how far removed are fairy tales from reality when it comes to selecting a partner.

In reality we often have to make a decision between two types of romantic compromises when deciding on a partner. We can either compromise on passion or on companionship. In order to place less emphasis on passion we must first decide that our prospective partner is likely to be a great parent, provider or spouse. In the second type of compromise, passion is considered a priority. This involves placing less emphasis on companionship, starting a family, or supporting their personal development. The ideal situation would be to find a balance between the two.

When we do find a partner we often want the emotional aspects of the relationships to be full of affection, love, and compassion. But instead of behaving more affectionately, lovingly, and compassionately, we will often blame our partners for their failure to do so. The emotional bond between partners can be so strong that we often see our own negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours as being a reaction to  our partner’s poor behaviour, instead of first looking at our own.

In this situation both partners can feel hurt, beneath the resentment they feel, but both fail to see what the other is reacting to. This isn’t because they are selfish or poor communicators. It is often because of the perceived threat we feel when we love somebody, such as rejection, betrayal or being let down, that we develop emotional blind spots about our own behaviour. In other words, our own emotional defenses remain unseen by us, while the possible threat posed by our partners is clearly evident to us. We often fail to see this in our own relationships, even when we understand the process on a purely intellectual level.

Cinderella left her shoe at the ball. The handsome prince tried it on every female foot until it eventually fit hers. They lived happily ever after. As adults we know that finding love isn’t this way in reality. Maybe it’s time to put such childish things behind us and remember that we are far more likely to create the emotional reality we want by communicating openly and honestly with our partner’s, and striving to be the person and the partner we most want to be.