Be Specific

Being assertive starts with knowing what you are, and aren’t, willing to be, do, or have. For many of us, coming to this knowledge is a real task in itself. Here, it may be useful to ask, “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or “victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t want.

Set Clear Boundaries

Once you know what outcome you need (or want), share it with your partner. Pay attention to the way stating your boundary feels for you. With practice, you can actually sense when you’re hitting the right note. It can feel really pleasurable, even exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and such doesn’t work for me” are simple ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner.

State Your Boundaries Regularly

You can build your assertiveness the same way you build any muscle, with exercise. Practice speaking up about your needs, big or small, on a daily basis. When you speak up about things that are less controversial, such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the dishwasher or what TV program to watch, both you and your partner get used to your assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner to hear. Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership.

Remember, It Works Both Ways

Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you want your boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner. If she doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when she’s in the shower, don’t. If he asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and connect, respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable request, actions really do speak louder than words. If your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries even though you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional help for you and/or your relationship.

People who are resilient learn from their failings. They find ways to rise from the ashes of failure and they don’t let it drain their resolve. But what actually constitutes resilience and what factors can we work on to develop it? 

Positive Attitude

People with a positive attitude always see the bright side of life. They seem able to cope with every aspect of their daily lives. Having a positive view allows them to be brighter, happier and develop a belief that good things will happen. Positive people have a “can do” attitude.

Optimism

Optimistic people engage in positive thinking. However difficult the current situation might appear, optimists believe that things will eventually work out well for them.

Regulating Emotions

People who are able to regulate their emotions have an ability of modulate their emotional reactions. The term implies the existence of two phenomena. The first is the process of generating emotions, the second involves the management (or mismanagement) of the emotion that has been generated. Some individuals seem to use this process as a way of steering a steady course through life, neither getting too emotional nor showing no emotion at all.

Seeing Failure as a form of Feedback

Can you see your failings clearly? Can you learn from them, maybe even laugh at them? Can you leave behind past attitudes and beliefs, take risks and feel free to explore areas of life that you really want to? People who see failure as a learning experience can.

Even after difficult and challenging life events, people who work on these attributes are able to dust themselves down and soldier on. So remember, success is not final and failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue in the face of adversity that makes people resilient.

So if the majority of people believe there isn’t a God what is the meaning of life? Is it success and power? Is it celebrity, wealth and fame? Is it love, having children or investing time in good causes? Is it improving oneself physically, emotionally and intellectually? Is it having a good time?

The meaning of life is something many of us never really get to grips with. A true understanding of our place in the world rarely becomes apparent. Despite all the money, success and fun we may have, an empty feeling persists – somehow we don’t feel complete. How do we address this feeling? Well, there are many possibilities but more and more people are attending an Alpha course to discover the answer to this question.

Who is the Alpha Course for?

The Alpha course is designed primarily for people who aren’t churchgoers and each course is open to everyone who would like to attend. Most courses attract a diverse range of guests of different ages and backgrounds, holding many different viewpoints. Over 7,000 courses are currently running across the UK in rural and urban settings, including every major UK city.

Guests attend for a wide variety of reasons – some want to investigate whether God exists; others are concerned about what happens after death. Some people have particular questions that they would like to discuss; others want to understand other peoples’ beliefs or would like to explore what the purpose of life is. Many guests have never been to church, others may have attended church occasionally.

How the course works

The course is based around small groups of about 12 people, hosted by one or two leaders whose role is to facilitate and encourage discussion. Courses vary in size, from one small group meeting in a home, to hundreds of people in a larger venue. Some courses are held over morning coffee or during a lunch hour, most are evening courses, typically lasting 2 hours. Whatever the course size, people tend to remain in the same small groups for the duration of the course so they can get to know each other, continue discussions and deepen friendships.

The whole course usually lasts for 10 weeks, with a day or weekend away in the middle. The emphasis is upon exploration and discovery in a relaxed and informal environment, and there is no charge.

Where do courses run?

Across the world, over 30,000 Alpha courses are taking place in 163 countries.

To find out more about the Alpha course and to book a place visit the Alpha website. www.uk.alpha.org

From a psychological perspective, let’s break this down into milestones that reflect my journey from being unfit to being a reasonably fit and healthy individual:

Intention: Like a lot of people I used to be a workaholic, didn’t eat as well as I should and had no work life balance. I had the intention to change my life in a positive way by getting physically fit.

Options: I had to consider how to get fit and this involved a visit to my local gym as well as thinking about my other options. After a tour around the facilities and a discussion about the fees and opening times, I went home to think about the best way forward. I could go running after work, but that didn’t appeal to me. I could buy some gym equipment to use at home, but I knew I’d be too easily distracted at home. It was time to make a decision.

Decision Making: If I was going to get fit again then a decision had to be made. After weighing up the options I called the gym and set up an induction.

Preparation: This involved buying the appropriate footwear and clothing and getting myself psyched up for the induction and the road ahead.

Taking Action: The induction took place on a Monday morning. The trainer showed me how to use the equipment safely and started me off with a basic programme. Now it was up to me!

Doubt: What if I couldn’t follow the programme? What if I was so unfit the next hour would result in failure and my complete embarrassment in front of the other gym users?

Achievement: To get over my doubts I remembered the words of Dr Stephen Covey, “Think with the end in mind”. In terms of my fitness, where did I want to be in six months time? How did I want to feel? Positive images filled my head and began to motivate me. I remembered why I had started this journey – because I wanted to get fit as a first step to achieving a better work life balance. This first step was so important to me and I thought about the positive knock on effects. It helped foster the self belief I needed to succeed.

So how does this help us? How does my ‘getting fit’ metaphor tie in with psychological wellbeing? Think about the different steps I have just described: Intention, options, decision making, preparation, taking action, doubt and achievement. We can apply these steps to many areas in our lives such as our finances, or finding the job we always wanted. Maybe you can use these steps as a template for getting control again.

Sometimes I miss a gym session, but I don’t give myself a hard time about it. I know now how it feels to achieve – so I keep rowing.

The analysis by Dr Pasco Fearon, from the School of Psychology and Clinical Language Sciences, looked at 69 studies involving almost 6,000 children aged 12 and younger.

The quality of the relationship between children and their parents is important to children’s development, but past research on the link between attachment and development has been inconsistent. The volume, range and diversity of earlier studies made it difficult to get a clear picture. However this new analysis has been able to pull together evidence from past research to answer a number of scientific questions around attachment.

According to attachment theory, children with secure attachments expect and receive support and comfort from their care givers. In contrast, children with insecure attachments have requests discouraged, rejected, or responded to inconsistently, which is thought to make them vulnerable to developing behavioural problems.

To read the full article click here

You are Spirit

You are resilient, hopeful, and inspiring.

You have a lot of emotional, physical, and mental energy.

You nurture and nourish yourself.

You know that you need fulfilment and downtime if you want to be your best.

You stay present in every moment.

You don’t allow yourself to be distracted or flustered.

You appreciate the life you have been given.

You embrace all that is beautiful in the world.

But what about you? Are you mind, body or spirit? Click here to find out.