Did My Parents Have A Positive Or Negative Impact On Me?

Why do counsellors sometimes spend time analysing a clients’ childhood? Do your parents/guardians really have an impact on who you are as an adult?

When you are a young child you lack the cognitive ability to fully develop a sense of ‘self’. You may define yourself by the values, morals and principles given to you by your parents/guardians, and by the behaviours they tell you are either acceptable or unacceptable. But what if your parents/guardians only pointed out your (as they saw them) unacceptable behaviours, or made very vague and hurtful comments about your unacceptable traits?

Psychologist believe that this may lead you to be self critical and view your acceptability as being conditional. You may even adopt the same parental tone in your internal dialogue, sometimes referred to as “beating yourself up”.

Many of your thoughts and feelings about who you are may also have come from teachers and other authority figures. In your teenage years there may well have been a shift away from parental influence, and a greater acceptance of peer group influence.

So how do you let go of past ‘programming’? How do you develop self acceptance and compassion for yourself?

Ultimately it’s not about fixing yourself, it’s about accepting who you are so that you can feel happier and more fulfilled. Self acceptance isn’t conditional, i.e. “if I were to achieve this, then….”, it’s about appreciating yourself in the here and now, forgiving any perceived or actual mistakes and making a decision not to repeat them. It’s about embracing your strengths and your weaknesses and acknowledging to yourself that “I’ve done the best I could”.

How do you feel about your childhood experiences? If you are a parent do you believe your parenting style has been affected by your own upbringing?