Our private self consists of what we are and feel inside, while our public self is the identity [...]]]> The idea of a private and public persona comes from social psychology, the word persona originating from the Latin meaning ‘mask’. Do we wear different masks depending on the situations we find ourselves in? What is our private and public self?

Our private self consists of what we are and feel inside, while our public self is the identity we present to others. Our private self is the part of us that we want to keep hidden while our public self is the part of us that we want others to see and acknowledge. Both persona’s influence our behaviour because there is a difference between how we are when by ourselves, and how we are when in the public eye.

Private Self dominant: we behave according to our own values and beliefs, are more self aware, prone to anger when provoked and more likely to experience regular mood changes. We are able to disclose private aspects of ourselves to loved ones and close friends with ease and often analyse our own behaviour.

Public Self dominant: we tend to be more sensitive to rejection by groups, readily comply with other’s expectations, conform to social values and place a great deal of importance on our social identity. We are good at predicting the impression we make on others.

However, we don’t necessarily fit into one group all of the time and there can be some crossover. We all have public and private elements to our personality. For example, a person who is private self dominant may well feel different in a group of people they are familiar and at ease with. Clients may be struggling to understand ‘who is the real me?’ and may benefit from considering questions that gently examine both elements of their personality. Questions may include “for whose benefit is your public self?”

It is also worth remembering that some aspects of our public self are defense mechanisms, such as putting on a brave face, which we may believe maintains our self esteem and confidence.

Approval by parents, peers or siblings is a crucial element in a child’s development, particularly with regard to their self esteem and self [...]]]> Approval is sometimes defined as an official approbation, a sanction of behaviour and a favourable opinion or regard. In counselling terms the two other words we might use are acceptance and affirmation. Just how important is acceptance? 

Approval by parents, peers or siblings is a crucial element in a child’s development, particularly with regard to their self esteem and self worth. It should also be remembered that it is a form of control. Studies show that children who receive little or no approval will often go to extraordinary lengths to obtain it in adulthood. Conflict often exists because the ‘critical parent’ element of their super-ego makes them feel they aren’t good enough to gain the approval they crave. 

So in counselling terms what is approval? “It is the recognition that confirms our unique identity, and does not try to make us someone we are not. It is acceptance of what we have to offer, without any preconceived ideas of what we should be or ought to be” (Stewart, 2005). Approval is also associated with feelings of security, of not fearing rejection and of achieving a sense of status. Approval gives us permission to take control of our lives and fulfil our potential. It also gives us a sense of responsibility for our actions.

The opposite of approval is rejection, or in counselling terms ‘conditional approval’. Parents who adopt a conditional approach to approval will pass judgement, constantly putting the child down emotionally and saying things such as “I will love you if….” Feelings of self esteem will struggle to flourish in these conditions. Conditional approval is characterised by feelings of dependency on parents and life partners. Adults who experienced these feelings during childhood will develop a ‘push-pull’ coping style in intimate relationships. Part of them seeks intimacy (pulling towards), the other seeks to push their partner away because they can never satisfy them emotionally. They will seek to achieve in life, but often doubt that they ever can achieve anything.

Counselling approval hungry clients involves recognising their need. Within a counselling relationship that involves acceptance (Carl Rogers’s ‘unconditional positive regard’), empathy, warmth and genuineness the client can achieve insight. The client can begin to recognise where these limiting behaviours originated and then work towards change.

This describes a model of support. The top half of the chalice represents the client and what they bring to each session. The bottom half of the chalice represents the counsellor, and the stem of the chalice represents the skills the counsellor uses to support the client.

Presenting Problems

This highlights the [...]]]> The Chalice Model

This describes a model of support. The top half of the chalice represents the client and what they bring to each session. The bottom half of the chalice represents the counsellor, and the stem of the chalice represents the skills the counsellor uses to support the client.

Presenting Problems

This highlights the fact that during the first session a client may offer a ‘presenting problem’, and not the real issue they would like to discuss. At the end of the session the client may feel comfortable enough to explain the real issue, possibly in a way to try and shock the counsellor. A negative reaction from the counsellor may drive away the client, where as a positive reaction may encourage the client to return for future sessions.

Blind Spots

The rule associated with ‘challenging’ is only attempt to do so when it is safe. It is especially important not to ask “why…?” at any time because the client could misinterpret this as criticism.

A ‘blind spot’ therefore should also be addressed with caution. A blind spot is an area that the client may be hiding , or is in fact not aware of themselves. If the counsellor addresses this without care it could lead to the client being very self critical.

Counselling isn’t just about learning a set of rules, ethics and procedures. It is a way of life. It is about choosing to take a very distinct and personal journey and freeing yourself from past memories, experiences and conditioning. When you free yourself from any past conditioning you begin to take responsibility for [...]]]> Things to consider

Counselling isn’t just about learning a set of rules, ethics and procedures. It is a way of life. It is about choosing to take a very distinct and personal journey and freeing yourself from past memories, experiences and conditioning. When you free yourself from any past conditioning you begin to take responsibility for your actions and start to make real choices for your life. YOU are responsible for your own behaviour and you understand the consequences of your actions. You can’t blame anyone else. You have the power to shape your life through the choices you make now.

You must have a plan as counsellors. Without a plan you risk becoming directionless and disorganised. You must be determined to succeed in your studies and in the development of your character. But don’t look for quick fixes. Remain true to your principles and values. Principles are your ultimate belief system from which your values emerge.

Think big about your future practise, and set clear and concise goals for how you will achieve it. In the face of adversity remember that success is a journey.

Changes in Ourselves

Developing confidence: Challenge your own abilities and the way you perceive yourself. Stop negative and self defeating internal dialogue.

Relaxation: Read books, watch films, practise yoga, listen to music. Develop a relaxation ritual before bedtime to allow for better sleep, and therefore better well-being.

Become more assertive: Challenge yourself as with ‘developing confidence’. Take more calculated risks. Express yourself in a clear and calm way without introducing emotion, even when someone tries to talk you down. Stay calm and focused.

Finally, remember that being a counsellor is a tremendous privilege.

When we are being genuine we are open and ourselves. If you are genuine with your clients you will encourage them to be more forthcoming, and build a relationship with them built on trust and respect.

Unconditional Positive Regard

In order for clients to feel respected and accepted it is important that counsellors do [...]]]> Genuineness

When we are being genuine we are open and ourselves. If you are genuine with your clients you will encourage them to be more forthcoming, and build a relationship with them built on trust and respect.

Unconditional Positive Regard

In order for clients to feel respected and accepted it is important that counsellors do not judge them by any preconceived sets of rules or standards. No matter what difficulties a client brings to the session it is important that counsellors respect their thoughts and feelings.

Empathy

This is the ability to understand a client completely, and is an essential part of the counselling process. The counsellor must see the world of the client as they see it, without becoming involved.