Counselling Central » Personal Development

Should Women Marry For Money : A Sociological Perspective

admin — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 07:32:09 +0000

I was having dinner with a friend last night when she mentioned that she was reading a book called “Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into the Romantic Dream – and How They’re Paying for it.” The premise of the book is that women ’should not throw themselves’ at unproven men who may never become a success. The authors believe such men will either fail to give a woman the financial security she needs, or else find someone younger when they do become successful. The authors go on to suggest that women should instead marry rich men. Even if it doesn’t work out, they say, the divorce settlement will provide adequate compensation while searching for true love, the plumber, or whoever comes along first.

My friend is an intelligent and inspirational lady, so I asked her how she felt about the book (I’m never off duty). This prompted a lengthy discussion about marriage and relationships, women’s changing role in society, and opportunities for women in all areas of life.

When I got home I looked for the book on line and discovered the tag line ”authors Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake use cold hard facts, real science, and true stories to present a compelling case for why mercenary marriages make the most sense for future happiness. Smart Girls taps into a growing, collective suspicion that the post-feminist world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” After reading this I couldn’t help but think of the struggle of Emmeline Pankhurst to get women the vote, of Florence Nightingale pioneering modern nursing during the Crimean War, of Rosa Parks the “Mother of the Modern-Day Civil Rights Movement”, or the inspirational humanitarian work of Mother Teresa. Was their vision for women to be gold diggers who entered into ”mercenary marriages”? Was this really what they intended for women?

By all means read the book if you want to. It recognises the legitimate problem of people rushing into marriage blinded by lust and romance, without enough talking about money and other sensibilities. But to me the book is counter intuitive and undermines the whole purpose of relationships and marriage; a declaration of commitment, friendship and love between two people.

So does this mean women shouldn’t look for an affluent Prince Charming? No, but what it does mean is that women are more than capable of managing their own lives and their own finances, either by themselves or within a partnership, if they choose to. Women can be fully self supporting, have finances that work, live within their means, (apart from the occasional pair of shoes or two) and save for a rainy day.

When you’ve achieved this? Unfortunately my friend was married to someone who quickly unraveled all of her good work. So maybe the key is to avoid gamblers, addicts, drunks, partners who can’t control their spending and partners who drag around debt and bad credit without making an effort to clear it. This will put you on the fast track to financial misery. When you look at it from this simple sociological perspective, do smart girls need a rich man?

Want To Solve That Nagging Problem? Stop Thinking About It

admin — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 01:23:16 +0000

Have you ever found yourself thinking about a problem for days on end but still couldn’t come up with a suitable solution? You’re certainly not alone. So how do you get around this? The answer may be to stop thinking about it.

I know, I know, that sounds counter intuitive. We’re all taught that you have to think about problems and analyse them to the enth degree to find answers, but often people find that ruminating over difficult decisions or nagging problems just makes them feel worse. Quite often people find themselves solving problems at the most unusual times. The key is to put yourself in a place that encourages inspiration and creativity.

Think about Archimedes. He shouted “eureka!” when he found the answer to a problem he had been contemplating for a long time, but not while sat at a desk trying to solve complex equations – it was while getting into the bath. Einstein, one of the creative geniuses of the modern age, would find answers in moments of inspiration away from the work place, only afterwards applying analytical thinking.

The secret is to get back to your ‘foundation stage’. Your what? Think of your foundation stage as your conscious mind taking a holiday. To achieve this engage in activities that are different from your normal day-to-day, something physically challenging or pleasurable, but ultimately relaxing. Try immersing yourself in a creative and stimulating environment such as a museum, or an art gallery, or take a long walk in the countryside. The point is you don’t have to go to Fiji to get back to your foundation stage (although I’m not discouraging you).

Give yourself permission to let go for a while where it concerns the task, difficulty or challenge you are currently dealing with. You may just find the answer you have been searching for.

Desiderata By Max Ehrmann

admin — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 19:12:01 +0000

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in times of sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Is Our Destiny In Our Own Hands?

admin — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:25:07 +0000

So who exactly is in charge here? Is it God who controls the direction of our lives? Is it Karma, which states that if we’re good then good things will happen to us? Is it our parents, who shaped us as children and continue to have an influence on our sense of direction – whether it be directly or unconsciously? Is it the government, who some believe carefully manipulates us and sets our agenda for us?

With all of these different possible inputs, how do we go about deciding what is the best direction for us to take in life? How do we reconcile the fact that good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to the good?

The first thing to remember is that, whatever our spiritual or religious beliefs, we all have choices and every action we take has some sort of consequence. The other important thing to remember is that although we have choice, we can’t always guarantee outcomes. But if we spend all of our time worrying about the possible outcomes of our decisions, there’s a fair chance we would avoid making choices at all. Everyday the little choices we make, the left turn or the right turn, saying yes or no, moves our lives in a slightly different direction because life can’t be a straight line. You are constantly evolving as an individual, you are constantly making choices. Some will prove right, some wrong, but there isn’t a fixed plan that if you deviate from then your life will be ruined.

So you are in charge of the choices you make. As Joan Oliver says in her book ‘Good Karma’, ”Things won’t always turn out as you hoped or planned, but if you seize opportunities, act diligently and fairly, and show goodwill towards others, you’ll enjoy a full rich life unburdened by regrets.”

Met Somebody New? How To Successfully Make That First Call

admin — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 08:30:55 +0000

So you dressed up in your best clothes, bathed yourself in aftershave or perfume, and headed out for the evening. A few drinks later you were the life and soul of the party, and before long you started talking to somebody. Or was it just a chance encounter at your local Tesco? You accidentally bumped trolley’s with somebody and before you knew it you were chatting.

The next day you manage to retrieve the piece of paper you scrawled their number on from the back of your jeans. Anxiety is building, you can feel your heart pumping, but you make the call… and get their voicemail. Here’s where things generally start to go wrong. Before you know it you have left a message reminding the person who you are and asking for a call back, and then you sit waiting for minutes, hours, days. Slowly your self esteem ebbs away and you start to imagine all sorts of scenarios in your head that involve you being unworthy of a call back. If you make a second call you’re worried that you’ll appear needy. What should you do?

Let’s go back a paragraph and first take on board the suggestions of Wayne Elise of ’Charisma Arts’. According to Wayne the first step when taking somebody’s phone number is to make sure they also take yours. In a world where we are all contactable through our mobile phones, call screening plays an important part in which calls we decide to take and which calls we let go to voicemail. Encourage your new friend to store your number. When their phone rings, hey presto!

The second step is not to leave a message that says “call me back”. Keep the ball in your court. Leave a friendly message saying how much you enjoyed chatting the other day and then say when you will call back. They can either call you back or wait for your call. You’ve made communicating with you pressure free.

If you decide to send them a text message limit yourself to one question at the end. Asking lots of questions slows up the communication process and puts pressure on the person receiving the message. Some people don’t like to spend time typing out long messages on a phone. You want to meet this person again and that will be the time to take an interest in who they are.

Let me know if Wayne’s suggestions work for you. Hopefully these tips should alleviate the need for you to spend days staring at your phone waiting for that call back. Happy dating!

Overcoming Bad Habits: The Six Stages

admin — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:29:40 +0000

You weren’t born a smoker, a gambler or a nail biter. Like most bad habits you learned to do them, and learned behaviour is for the most part a good thing. It allows you to add structure and routine to your day and helps you avoid repeating mistakes. But how do you go about un-learning bad habits? Dr James Prochaska devised the following six stages to show what you may go through before (hopefully) breaking the cycle of bad habits for good.

Pre-contemplation: You acknowledge there’s a problem but you aren’t thinking about changing anything at this point. You may be in denial that there is a problem, possibly thinking it will go away of its own accord.

Contemplation: You’re beginning to understand that you have a bad habit (such as an addiction) that needs addressing. At this stage you are thinking about the potential benefits of quitting and comparing it to the effort involved in trying to quit. You may stay at this stage for years.

Preparation: You’ve decided to act and you are making plans. Emotionally you are preparing yourself for the change and setting positive goals.

Action: You are doing something about your bad habit and making positive changes.

Maintenance: You’ve made the changes and you are sticking to them. This could be the final stage of change for you.

Recycling/Relapse: Some people will get to the maintenance stage and stay there, others will have some type of relapse. People at the relapse stage need to go back to stage one and start to work through the stages again.

If you have a bad habit that you are trying to break, which of these stages do you feel you are at?