In a previous post I wrote about the differences between male and female communication, and the reasons behind nagging. But what about the differences between male and female thinking? Let’s first consider the following scenario:
A man called Roger liked a woman called Elaine. He invited her to the cinema and she agreed. They spent a nice evening together. A few days later he offered to take her to a restaurant for dinner, and once again they enjoyed the time they spent together. They started seeing each other regularly and neither of them saw anyone else, so it turned into a relationship.
One evening while they were sitting in the car Elaine said: “Do you know that today is exactly 6 months since we started going out with each other?” The car became silence. For Elaine the silence was too much and she thought:
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything like that. Perhaps he doesn’t feel good about our relationship. Maybe he thinks that I’m trying to force him into something that he’s not ready for yet?
Roger thinks: “Oh my God! Six months!
Elaine thinks: “But wait a minute, I’m not sure if I want to be in that kind of relationship. Sometimes I’d like to have more space, more time to think about what I want from a relationship. Do I really want a relationship with Roger? Where is our relationship going? Are we heading towards marriage, towards having children, towards spending our lives together? Am I ready for that? Do I actually know him well enough?”
Roger thinks: “Let’s see, that means it was June when we started going out with each other. Soon after that I picked up my car and that means…let’s just look at the mileometer… bloody hell! I should have had the oil changed two weeks ago!”
Elaine thinks: “He looks worried, I can see it on his face. Maybe he sees our relationship in a different way. Maybe he expects something more from me; more intimacy, more involvement. Maybe he has sensed my reservations! Yes, that must be it! That’s why he doesn’t talk about his emotions, he’s afraid of rejection!
Roger thinks: “….and they have to check the cambelt. Whatever the guys from the garage say it’s been making a strange noise since I got it, and they are trying to blame the winter temperature! What temperature?! It’s 8 degrees and the engine still sounds terrible. To think I paid them full book for it!
Elaine thinks: “He’s angry and I don’t blame him. I would be too if I were in his position. I feel so guilty now, forcing him to go through with this. But I can’t help how I feel. I’m just not sure of what I want.
Roger thinks: “I’m sure they will say that the warranty has expired!
Elaine thinks: “I’ve been having false expectations of a knight on a white horse, while next to me sits such a wonderful man; a man who I like to spend time with and who likes to spend time with me; a man who suffers because of my childish romantic fantasies!
Roger thinks: “Warranty, I’ll give them warranty…”
“Roger”, says Elaine.
“What?” Roger asks, surprised by the sudden interruption.
“Please don’t beat yourself up”, Elaine says and her eyes fill up with tears. “Maybe I never should have… I feel so sorry…”, she starts to cry.
“What?” Roger asks confused.
“I feel so stupid”, says Elaine. “I know I haven’t got a knight on a white horse, I really know. It’s stupid, there isn’t a knight and there isn’t a horse”.
“There isn’t a horse???” Roger is even more puzzled.
“You think that I’m stupid, don’t you? Elaine asks.
“NO!” Roger answers, satisfied that he managed to give the right answer.
“I just, I just simply, I need a bit more time”, says Elaine.
There follows 15 seconds of silence. Roger thinks as quickly as he can. He tries to find a safe answer or a solution and finally he thinks of one that seems good enough to him.
“Yes”, he says. Elaine is deeply touched, she takes his hand.
“Oh Roger, really? You feel that way?”, says Elaine.
“How?” He answers with a question.
“Well, about the time”, explains Elaine.
“Oh, yes!” Roger answers with relief.
Elaine turns towards him and looks deeply into his eyes, so much so that Roger starts feeling uncomfortable. He’s afraid of what she will say especially if it’s to do with horses.
Finally Elaine says, “Thank you, Roger”.
“Well, Thank you!” He answers.
After a while he takes her home, where torn, upset and disappointed Elaine cries into the pillow until morning. Roger goes back to his place, opens up a bottle of beer and a pack of crisps, switches on the TV and immediately becomes engrossed in the repeat of a tennis match between 2 English players he’s never heard of before. Somewhere in his unconscious mind a voice tells him that something important happened in the car, but he’s sure that he will never understand what it was about. He comes to the conclusion that it’s better not to think about it (the same tactic he uses with important world problems).
The next day Elaine calls her girl friend. They talk for 6 hrs and analyse the situation in every detail, what Elaine said and what Roger said for the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time, interpreting every single word and considering all of the possible outcomes. They talk about it for weeks and months, without finding any conclusion, and never get bored of talking about it.
At the same time Roger, playing golf with a friend of Elaine’s, stops for a moment just before hitting the ball and asks: “Norman, do you know if Elaine ever had a horse?”
Although this story highlights the humourous side of the nuances in male and female thinking, it no doubt resonates with many people. So what causes these differences? “Men and women think differently, because men and women are different. Not better or worse – just different. Scientists, anthropologists and sociobiologists have known this for years…Society today is determined to believe that men and women possess exactly the same skills, aptitudes and potentials. Science, ironically, is beginning to prove that they are completely different. Since the late 1980s, there has been an explosion of research into male and female differences and the way both the male and female brains work. For the first time ever, advanced computer brainscanning equipment has allowed us to see the brain operating ‘live’….The study of how the brain works gives us many answers. We are not identical. Men and woman should be equal in terms of their opportunities to exercise their full potential, but they are definitely not identical in their innate abilities…” (Allan and Barbara Pease, “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”).
According to the explanations available to science there are four main arguments when it comes to the differences between male and female thinking: 1) there are no differences between male and female thinking, 2) they are due to biological differences between men and women (nature), 3) any differences are due to cultural and social influences (nurture), and 4) any differences are due to a combination of biological and cultural factors (Pinker, Spelke, 2005).
Nature: So in terms of physiological differences in the brain (nature) men have, on average, a larger amygdala (which processes fear and emotions) and a larger cerebrum (which controls higher thinking). The average woman has thicker connective tissue between the two hemispheres. This allows women to perform language tasks using both hemispheres, whereas men tend to use only the left hemisphere, and gives women multi-tasking capabilities. Psychologically men, on average, score higher on tests involving distance, map reading, mechanics and finding component shapes within a larger object. Women, on average, tend to score better on tests involving social sensitivity, language ability and emotional recognition. Psychologists believe these skill set differences go back to primitive times. During the early stages of human kind men would hunt animals and therefore developed skills involving distance and strength. Women developed skills involving defending, and coping with the demands of, their living space and their children.
Nurture: Our social and cultural development is influenced by authority figures, or people we learn to trust and respect for their views and opinions. These include our parents/guardians, grandparents, teachers and policeman. As children we are like sponges, absorbing information and trying to make sense of our world. These social and cultural exchanges help us to form our views on life, our principles, beliefs, morals and values. Often boys are dressed in blue, girls in pink. Boys are given guns and soldiers to play with, girls Barbie dolls. Boys are encouraged to be strong, girls kind and helpful. All of these factors encourage differences in thinking and behaviour.
Nature versus nurture: Identical twins will often have many similar views and opinions, and have similar biological characteristics in terms of brain development. However, identical twins raised in the same home by the same parents/guardians can have radically different morals, values and opinions. Does this mean parents treat children differently? As far as which has the greater effect on male and female thinking, the nature versus nurture debate continues.
Summary: men and women are biologically and socially different, and therefore often think and behave differently. Although this means they have different skill sets, it doesn’t mean that men and women shouldn’t have the same opportunities in life. Women have advanced language capabilities, and therefore talking is of vital importance to their social and emotional well being. Men generally talk to exchange facts and data. Men need time at the end of each day to ‘gaze at the fire’, as they would have done in primitive times. If women try to talk to them during this time they will find men uncommunicative or in problem solving mode. Because of the importance of communication to women, men need to take more time to listen to their partners. Women need to allow men ‘fire gazing’ time each day, which is now associated with things such as the TV, internet and reading.
The story of Roger and Elaine highlights these various differences in male and female thinking, and what can happen when men and women make assumptions and don’t communicate clearly and concisely. For further information see 10 Ways to Develop a Healthy relationship, being able to forgive, love, overcoming jealousy and why some men won’t commit
Cool, have not been able to find the information I was looking for before now, thanks to the blog owners for this master piece work…