Virginia Satir believed there are four communication modes used to help avoid rejection. The fifth mode is positive and congruent.
Mode One: The Placater
Placaters are anxious about scaring people off or making them angry, but they won’t admit to this. Common language used by a placater includes “I don’t mind, whatever you want to do”, or “you know me, I don’t really mind”. Therefore, two placaters talking together will struggle to make any firm plans or agree on a course of action.
Mode Two: Blamers
Blamers feel that nobody really loves or respects them. They compensate for this by talking as though they are in a position of power to hide their insecurity. Typical blamer speak includes “do you always have to put yourself first?”, or “Nobody ever considers my feelings”. So, when two blamers get together there is invariably a big argument!
Mode Three: Computers
Computers don’t want other people to understand how they are feeling. Common language used by computers includes “no rational person would be upset by this”, or “the advantages of doing things this way have clearly been over stated”. As you can probably gather, not much gets agreed when two computers get together.
Mode Four: Distracters
Distracters utilise all of the previous three modes of communication to cover up their anxieties and neurosis.
Mode Five: Levellers
Levellers are either extremely easy people to communicate with, or extremely difficult. They say what they mean, and mean what they say. In other words, they are very straight talking. So, talking to a leveller is refreshing because their body language reflects what they are saying and they are usually honest.
What mode of communication do you and/or your partner use? How do you feel this impacts on your relationship?
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About The Author
Steven Lucas MBACP MNCS (Prof Accred) is a professional counselling psychotherapist working in Northamptonshire. Read Full Bio.
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor so this guide should not be considered a replacement for seeking medical advice. It is also not a substitute for obtaining therapy as other factors, such as trauma, need to be considered. There are pay per click ads on this site for which I may receive a small commission. This helps to pay for the running of the site. I do not endorse any of the products advertised.