Have you ever noticed how some men seek secure relationships with a partner, while others shy away from the idea? In 1987 Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver identified four attachment styles in adult intimate relationships.
Secure: feel comfortable with balancing intimacy and independence. Securely attached men have a positive view of interdependence in relationships.
Anxious-preoccupied: need high levels of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from their partner. Anxious-preoccupied men become extremely dependent on their partners, but mistrust them at the same time. They often struggle with their own self worth.
Dismissive-avoidant: desire high levels of independence, often avoiding attachment altogether. They prefer to be self sufficient and deny feelings of intimacy, or of needing intimate connections, and are more likely to engage in casual relationships.
Fearful-avoidant: have very mixed feelings about intimate relationships, both fearing and desiring them. Fearful-avoidant men mistrust women who try to get close to them and deny feelings of intimacy. They may well have been hurt in the past.
These attachment styles are thought to be influenced by childhood relationships with parents and other caregivers. In other words if secure attachments are not formed during the ‘critical period’, between 6 months and three years, attachments in adulthood may be difficult. But can these attachment styles be influenced, or are they non-adaptive?
According to Dr. George Weinberg all men are capable of love and commitment given the right set of circumstances. He believes that men who don’t have a secure attachment style are held back by the ‘masculine pretense’, a male defense system learned in childhood. This is the idea taught by parents and other caregivers that men should be heroic, strong, silent and resistant to feelings. Weinburg identifies four basic needs which must be met if non-committal men are to consider a committed relationship.
“1) The need to be considered unique and special. 2) The need to be able to ‘travel light’, unencumbered by too many restrictions, too much dependency, and too many expectations regarding his time, plans, friends, and past relationships. 3) The need for loyalty in the relationship, not critisised, compared, or otherwise cast in a negative light around others. 4) The need to be close emotionally, when a partner gives him the love he’s too ashamed to ask for, he will learn to reciprocate over time.”
Weinburg describes how complicated emotional baggage burdens, stresses, and intensifies the meanings and prospective rewards a man attributes to sex with a spontaneous, casual but loving partner. Consequently, a caring long term partner who meets these four basic needs and loves more unconditionally will likely meet a healthier man willing to express himself, share love, and meet her needs in the process.
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