Working With Clients Who Are Unable To Forgive

Being able to forgive someone, or one’s self, is considered an essential part of our emotional wellbeing. But what is forgiveness? According to Christian thought it is an important part of justification, of pardoning sin, because God forgives the sinner through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Dictionary definitions include “the act of excusing a mistake or offense”, or “a pardon by treating the offender as if the offense had not occurred, the act of freeing from guilt or blame”. So being able to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply is a very powerful emotional driving force, but equally so is being unable to forgive that person, or one’s self.

Client’s may be looking for absolution from real or imagined wrongdoing, and part of this process is being able to forgive themselves and accept forgiveness from God and other people. Other clients may be consciously holding onto bitterness and resentment, but the spiritual and psychological consequences of doing so can be severe.  

A useful first step could be to ask the client to list the painful experiences and offences that need to be forgiven, and ask them to discuss the feelings associated with them – both from their point of view and from the other person’s. In terms of self forgiveness ask the client to discuss a part of their subpersonality that can act as an internal judge or priest who has the power to forgive. It should also be noted that the desire to forgive, or not forgive, is a conscious act of will. 

Jo Berry’s father was one of the MP’s murdered by the IRA in Brighton in 1984. After years of bitterness and pain she decided to visit Patrick Magee, the man who had murdered her father. Magee had recently been released as part of the Good Friday agreement and although she was scared and upset they talked for three hours. They began to meet regularly, discussing each others feelings, and eventually Magee began to see beyond his own hatred and understand the grief of his victim’s families. Jo Berry listened to Magee’s story and eventually learned to forgive him.

Perhaps we should all take some time today to forgive someone who has hurt us, or to forgive ourselves.